Sometimes fear can be healthy, especially if it keeps us from danger or turns us back from destructive way. A fear I have, one that I need and that really bothers me from time to time, is the fear that I'll return to the way I was.
No, I'm not talking about the way I was before I accepted the path of discipleship at age 17. I'm talking about the way I was before my faith and ministry collapsed in New Mexico.
After graduation from Harding in 1999 and up until I left New Mexico in April 2005 I was a very hardened but conflicted legalist. Although I hated legalism, I was so deeply immersed in it that I couldn't really tell I was a legalist. During my time in New Mexico I actually joined some discussion lists under a pseudonym in order to escape from my miserable spiritual reality. In my second persona I came across as a fairly progressive minister.
Apparently I was projecting the person I wanted to be.
As my recovery continues I am afraid that I will get away from my desire to serve people on the margins. Even my ministry to Brazilian immigrants might become misdirected into a focus on "respectable" immigrants, rather than the sort I believe I really need to reach.
Another area of my life that needs continual attention is in regards to forgiveness. It is a matter of ongoing repentance from an unforgiving attitude for me to stay on the correct course.
I'm not what I want to be, I'm not as I was, and there can be no going back.
Another area of my life that needs continual attention is in regards to forgiveness. It is a matter of ongoing repentance from an unforgiving attitude for me to stay on the correct course.
I'm not what I want to be, I'm not as I was, and there can be no going back.
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